The madness ends

Some major news guys: I've decided to give up the whole GB trialling thing.

Judge me for being a massive quitter if you must.

Well, I suppose I am.

Basically I realised that I wasn't willing to sacrifice everything chasing the Olympic dream. I honestly believe that if you're going to get to the top of your field (sporting or otherwise), you've got to be willing to risk everything to do it.

Over the summer I read a biography of the Scottish cyclist Robert Millar (only English speaker to ever win the King of the Mountains competition in the Tour de France). His philosophy was you must set yourself up so you give yourself no option of failure. In his case this meant giving up his job in the UK, selling everything and moving to France to train with the best in the world and turn pro. If he failed, he would have nothing.

MENTAL. SCOTTISH. CYCLIST.

Now this is going to sound really fucking pathetic, but I love Astro too much to fuck it up for rowing. Over the course of the term I realised that Astronomy is not just something that kept me in Cambridge and able to row but REALLY FUCKING AWESOME and I want to be good at it. Not just 'scrap a pass' but be bloody good. Sure, I could've fitted in trialling for the U23s this year with Part III Astro, but next year...? I'd really like a PhD and if I had to move to Reading to train full time I wouldn't have been willing to give it up.

Therefore, am I really dedicated enough to go all the way? No.

This, combined with the fact that for the past four months I've woken up hating myself for not being faster, fitter, stronger, BETTER AT ROWING. I mean, I can put up with the loneliness, the being antisocial, the never going home and seeing my family, the being fucking miserable and doubting yourself all the time. Just MTFU and erg. But when you're doubting if you're truely, deep down, dedicated enough and whether you can actually make it? Quite frankly, what's the point?

I used to love rowing, but trialling sucked the joy out of it and made me hate myself. Life is too fucking short not to be happy in your own skin if you can do something about it.

So I did something about it.

It's a shame I decided on a 3.5 hour and £60 train journey to Newcastle for an U23 weekend, but that's life I suppose.

Fuck you, train ticket. FUCK YOU and your expensive orange-outlined papery smug face.

 I've decided to keep rowing (obviously - my idea of a great day is one with 18K and weights in it, and some habits you're just not going to be able to break), but for now on to just row for the fucking JOY of it. That's the reason I took it up in the first place, because it was fun and I was good at it and I loved how alive you felt when you took the last stroke of a race and you felt like you were hanging over the abyss and staring death in the face it hurt so much. The insanity of the last 100m when the red buoys come but never seem to end. That is what living is.

So judge me if you will for lowering my ambitions, but I aimed high and wasn't good enough. I'll also never see the point of doing a half arsed job of something (or two at the same time, as I've been doing). I've got to experience some amazing stuff along the way, such as racing Katherine Grainger in my semi at final trials (she beat my by c.40s I think) and having Anna Watkins tell me I need to wear more kit. And I've meet no end of brilliant, crazy people, because rowers, after all are flipping awesome people.

I'll still write this blog (I love doing this - it's great!) and I'll still row and be angry at stuff all the time. Just without the self loathing. And you'll have to do without the "Boston Part II" post I'm afraid.

Finally, to conclude this exceptionally unfunny post, I'd like to wish Vicky Meyer-Laker, Erica Bodman and Frankie Sanjana (and countless others) the very best this season, and all the success in the world to Ben Hicks and Charlotte Drury of team Cambridge :-) Smash it in the face, guys.

And Peter Lee, sorry for being a massive quitter but I bet you'll never have another athlete who makes t-shirts celebrating your training program.

Yes I fucking did.

EDIT: There's moral to this story. If you're not happy, do something about it people. Lonely? Ask someone out for a drink. Someone pissing you off? Confront them and try and get it sorted. Massively stressed? Get someone to give you a goddam hug and HAVE A CUP OF TEA.

Take the plunge :-)

EDIT EDIT: Sorry for sounding like a self help book. Normal service (i.e. ranting) will resume later this week.