Intensely annoying people 2 - People failing at erging properly in gyms

OK, I have been meaning to write this post for a while because I am pretty certain this is universally despised by all rowers. Personally, I think there is a circle of hell reserved just for people who row like morons in gyms.

They would obviously be taught how to erg properly first by a demon with some sort of Concept2 qualification.

This is what the ergo screen would look like in hell.

There are a few variants of these Ergo Fail People (EFP).

Variant 1: The "no backs"

(You can click for bigger...) This is obviously followed by rushing back up the slide as fast as humanly possible, LIFTING THE HANDS OVER THE KNEES AS YOU DO SO. This last part is very important as that's how you get a good split.

Variant 2: The "permanently at backstops"

There's a reason why you're pulling a 3:50 split at rate 50.

 Again, you need the lifty-hand-knees thing on the recovery.

Variant 3: The "WTF"

 People usually get hit by flailing limbs if they stand too close.

There are many interesting variations of these erging styles. I'm sure someone could do proper scientific analysis on what is the *most* inefficient type of stroke. 

But of course, it doesn't stop there. There is also what can only be termed obsession with erging on resistance 10 (granted, usually only with guys).

Steve Redgrave didn't erg on that, so why should you, you weedy twerp? Oh, and BACK INJURY ON A PLATE. Don't think I can't see your lower back straining as you bum shove at every catch. CAN'T YOU SEE ME WINCING?!??!??

TWAT.

 Most EFP also have no concept of what would be an aerobically benefical session on a rowing machine. My case in point, while ~18mins into a 30min r20 t'other day two school boys got onto the ergos either side of me (Nooooo! Surrounded!), whacked up the resistance, spent a minute or two fiddling around in the "New Workout" section, both went to front stops annnnnndddd did a 30sec sprint, rating about 50 on 1:50. They then got off, congratulated each other on how badass they were and presumably went downstairs to do bicep curls. (They were EFP Variant 2, out of interest). I wanted to fucking kill them. I was not in a happy place anyway thanks to the good old EOD (Erg Of Death - the CUWBC name for a 30min) but this nearly pushed me over the edge.

Even better than this was the time over Christmas in my gym at home. I think it was an 18K or something. Halfway through, someone got onto the erg next to me, did a few strokes of Variant 1, then proceeded to tell me that I wasn't erging properly. I was "leaning back too far" apparently. What I imagined doing was this:

Why drink lucozade sport if you HAVEN'T DONE ANY EXERCISE? Yes, no doubt your carbohydrate stores are getting low and your electrolytes need replacing from the 3 mins you just did on the ergo. Moron.

What I actually did was refuse to acknowledge that he existed while thinking dark, dark thoughts about how much I wanted him to DIE IN A FIRE. To be honest, if I hadn't been in the middle of something I would have challenged him to a 500m piece or similar to see who would finish first. Odds are I could've got below 3:00 so would have won. Rage. RAGE.

That pretty much concludes what I have to say on EFP. I should probably change subject before I give myself a hernia or something.

NO NO NO WAIT WAIT WAIT my google search for concept 2 screen to copy for the drawing above (because, surprisingly I wanted a reminder of what it looked like - I clearly need to erg more) turned up this:

Everything looks fine at a first glance. 1:45 split. Yes, good. Rate 55? Wait a minute... 2051m projected for 30mins?

I'm going with a probable variant 1, on resistance 10. Most likely wearing Nike basketball shorts and some sort of gun-show t shirt. Goes to the gym 3 times a week and does a lot of arm weights sitting on a bench in front of a mirror.

Not that I'm prejudice or anything.

BUT I AM.

****Hernia alert****

~~~~~Subject change~~~~~

Close one. Anyway, here is another great way of making your housemates hate you, in addition to filling your shared kitchen with apples and drying kit EVERYWHERE.

How to make your housemates hate you

You will need:
1x boat bag in need of a clean
1x bottle of fairy liquid (or supermarket equivalent!)
1x bath, w/ shower attachment
1x post it note
1x boat tie
1x rubbish bin
1x ability not to think things through properly

Step 1:
Wash your 27 foot boat bag in the bathroom.

Yes, I have my name on it. And yes, I realise this makes me look like a bit of a twat.

This is quite hard work as it's basically a huge sopping wet duvet cover. Use the shower head to (a) wash off the bubbles and (b) to make sure the bathroom is properly wet by the time you've finished. I'm not one to do half a job!

Step 2:
Use the boat tie to attach your boat bag to a bannister to dry. Put the bucket underneath it to catch the torrents of water that come off it.

This is when living in a house designed by someone who was mentally ill with 5 floors and lots of staircases is a BONUS.

Step 3:

I was going to write just "Don't Ask" on it, but thought that would be a bit much.

Conclusion:
If you want to wash your boat bag, don't.

Even better was the fact I did all this in my new shiny t shirt that arrived yesterday :-)  It has THIS on it:

From the blog "Hyperbole and a Half",  this blog post. If you've never visited it, THEN DROP EVERYTHING AND DO IT NOW***! It is quite simply genius: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/

I thought it was quite apt.


***You will do no work for the rest of the day if you visit this blog. But it'll be worth it, believe me. 

UPDATE A new variant has been brought to my attention that deserves its own drawing (thanks Mary!).

Variant 4: "The hyper-Canadian" 

 Characterised by epic back lean (not uncommon among rowers - including me) + taking the handle past your head??!?!?!? NICE!